I’M BACK AND HERE’S WHAT’S GOING ON

Look how long it’s been since I’ve posted on my blog!  Almost 14 months!  I have a good excuse for my long absence though.  About nine and a half months ago I was diagnosed with colon cancer. Stage III with 3 positive lymph nodes.  The only reason I’m writing again is because I’ve slowly been getting back to my old self while dealing with the cancer treatment.  For a long time the cancer took over my mind.  Not the worry but just being busy with it, and being so tired mentally and physically.  But I’ve been getting back into all the things I love.  Chances are I’ll probably live many more years.  But the truth is none of us knows how long we’ll live.  This health scare changed my life for the better in so many ways.  One of them is that it has made me decide that everything I do, say, think, and feel should be an important, conscious choice.  No more putting things off, no more feeling sorry for myself, and no more wasting time.  Yes, I still play computer games and watch my favorite TV shows, and cry about being lonely, but I’m living in the moment instead of planning my future.  I don’t want to die with any regrets.  So I’m just happy to still be here, still enjoying the things I love doing, and I don’t want to waste any of my time worrying about anything.

I’ve even fallen in love with someone.  I never thought that would happen again, honestly.  I didn’t think it was possible for me to open my heart again.  And even though I can’t be with him (he’s with someone else) it just feels so wonderful to feel this way again, especially since I can tell he has feelings for me too.  Well, I don’t know exactly how he feels or what he’s thinking, but I can tell we’d be together if he were single.  And that’s enough to make me feel really good.

I don’t want to write too much about my cancer here.  I have another blog for that.  But, I should mention Rob.  I had a really good male friend (nothing romantic) who died from pelvic cancer. Well, he died from complications from his cancer treatment.  That was January 2012, so three and a half years ago.  I’ve missed him so much and miss him even more since I’ve been diagnosed with cancer.  I know I’ve felt him around me.  The feeling of Rob’s presence was really strong in the time around my colon surgery and through my recovery.  I felt as if his spirit was there helping me through it.  I loved the feeling, but it made me miss him even more.  It made me wish I had another great male friendship like I had with Rob.  Let’s face it, guy friends are great!  But when I started having feelings for the above-mentioned fellow (not Rob, remember, the other guy) I realized I want more than a friend.  I would love to have a relationship again!  I never, ever thought I’d want that, let alone have it.

I’ve been divorced and single for 7 years and my kids are in college now and both have jobs.  I’m ready for another relationship!   I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.  I just went through something huge…stage III cancer, radiation, chemo, surgery, more chemo, and soon to have one more surgery…all without having someone close to help me through it.  Ok, I have family and friends, but you know what I mean.  I mean that deep, close, personal love that only one person can be to you.  I want that again.  

Ok, enough about me whining that I’m still single and getting so lonely.  I’m just updating anyone who is reading what is going on in my life right now before I get back into my typical posts.  Typically I share my psychic and paranormal experiences, oh and sometimes some zany everyday experiences.  That kind of stuff.  Yep.  I’ll get back to doing that, promise.

PERSPECTIVE

Back in 2004 is when I really first began choosing to learn meditation. I didn't really have an idea of how to do it but had been reading books about it. I wondered if there was a correct way to meditate, or a formula to follow. As usual, my analytical mind was taking over too much, and I was making it way more complicated than it needed to be. So I thought, I have no idea what it means to raise my vibration or raise my awareness, but I'll just go with the intention that that's what I'm going to do. Late one morning home alone, I relaxed my mind and body, and set my mind with the intention of learning how to meditate and connect with my spirit guides. All the books say we all have them, and I wanted to communicate with mine.

I soon began to doze off. Now and then I'd lightly awaken and then quickly "put myself under" again. After quite some time I woke from a very deep, restful sleep and feeling as if I'd been very, very far away. I slowly opened my eyes and noticed the sunlight shining through the windows was a soft golden color as if the sun had made a point to shine more prominently than normal into my bedroom. For a moment I felt very lightened by the effect as if a huge weight had been lifted off me. And suddenly in my mind's eye I saw a clear picture of a marijuana leaf. Being naturally gifted visually, I wasn't shocked I was able to see such a clear vision in my mind; however, it being a marijuana leaf baffled me. That's marijuana, I thought. I wonder why I'm being shown this. I don't have anything to do with drugs. This doesn't have anything to do with me. My feelings were such that I was in no way associated to something so negative. I felt/heard in my mind, "It's all about perspective. It doesn't have to be something negative. Your reaction to the vision is negative, but the plant can be used in a positive way as well. Whatever your feelings, it's still just a plant. It's all a matter of perspective."

The feeling/voice I heard was right. My reaction to the plant didn't change the fact that it was still just a plant. If I changed my perspective, then my feelings changed. It was at that point I actually heard as clear as a physical voice, "When you get bogged down, we get bogged down." I heard it clearly. I was shocked to actually hear these words spoken. And it made me think, I never use the words "bogged down". These words hadn't come from my own thoughts. It made me wonder, who's the "we"? Did it mean there's a group of guides who work with me? Is this what the books meant by higher self?

I began to understand that the communication between myself and my guidance can't work to its fullest extent unless I change my perspective. So what did changing my perspective really mean? Since then I've often thought about it, wondering if it means trying to see things from a different viewpoint or in a different light. I’ve learned that taking any negative reaction, however slight, out of the equation definitely had to do with it. Negativity narrowed my perspective down, positivity opened me up. Maybe that was the formula to making meditation work and learning to communicate with my guides.

It can be the hardest thing to do sometimes, trying not to get bogged down by negative thoughts and feelings. Changing perspective, I've learned, can't be faked. You have to actually change something inside yourself in order to open up to that greater perception, and what I’ve learned is that experiencing the feeling of love is the fastest way to do that. Focusing on love immediately shifts your perspective. When I see the need in my life to work on that, I can actually feel the change inside me taking place. And it does work; once you change your perspective, you do feel different. And you do feel differently about not just that one aspect, but about things in general. Things start clicking into place faster. Synchronicities happen. Those happy coincidences that really aren't coincidences at all. You realize that that positive perspective is the magic to making consciousness work for you.