This year during my cancer treatment I even tried getting to know one of my docs more personally. It was invigorating and exciting, all the conversations we had getting to know each other, and I knew I had made the right decision in following my heart and my gut. We are both really attracted to each other but he’s in a relationship. He wasn’t happy in it and wasn’t sure it’s what he wanted but now plans to keep it. I’m so crushed, but I’m proud for opening myself up that way. It felt good just knowing I could have those feelings for someone again.
Recently I even tried an online dating site. I have started and deleted these things about four times, but this time I went all the way in doing a profile and even uploading photos. I just haven’t paid yet, still debating with myself. So I don’t have full use of all the features.
I’m following the advice of articles online, like asking people I know if they know someone (a guy) who is single, great, cute, around my age, etc. I’m glad no one has suggested anyone yet. I’m not sure I could go on a blind date. If it was a group thing then that would be better.
I’ve been thinking of places to go and things to do alone so that I can meet someone, since as my son pointed out, “Mom, with as young as you look and as old as I look, when I go places with you people just think we’re a couple.” Good point. He plans on getting a shirt that says, “My mom is single and she’s right next to me” and wearing it any time we’re out together. It delivers two messages at once…that he’s not my significant other and that I’m available. He’s so logical. I need a version of him that’s relationshipable. Or I need a male version of myself. I really like all my qualities.
All this pondering about opening myself up to having another relationship (after 7 years of being divorced) is not what it was when I was young. Finding someone is just as hard as imagining one. I’m not sure what I’m looking for so it’s hard to know how to attract the right person. I can only compare what I would like to what I already know. Like the Doc. He seemed perfect for me, but this is my problem….I so far only meet guys who are in relationships or married, or they’re too young.
I’ve been wishing I hadn’t kept on walking when the cute guy in the parking lot at King Soopers a few months ago said, “That’s a great umbrella!” God, I wish I had stopped and talked to him, found of if he’s single, etc. Why didn’t I? I know why. I wasn’t in a place at that time in my life for doing that kind of thing. All I said was, "Thanks." Besides, I was still hoping for the Doc then. I should have said, “If you’re single, that’s a great pickup line!” I wish I could think of those things in the moment. Darn! That would have been a great response. Maybe I should walk around that parking lot with my umbrella and see if I can find him again.
Back to that online dating site…
I’m so dorky that I can’t even figure out how to navigate a dating website. I’m still in the thinking-about-it-phase, not yet wanting to pay for the full service of the dating site until I have my profile done, my pics up, learning how to do searches, etc. Because you see, you can get a 3-day free trial, so I’m thinking I’ll start that on my weekend so that I have time do really use it. But so far in the meantime I’ve managed to screw things up already. While I’m still not a paying customer, I’ve accidentally “Liked” 12 random “matches” all at once. How the hell did I do that when I hadn’t even looked at their profiles yet? That really messes up the whole concept of Tell us who you like, and we’ll send you more matches just like them. So until I subscribe and pay, I won’t be able to delete those “Likes”. Crap!
Then, I was checking out all the “winks” I have gotten so far in the last two days, and one of them was a guy I actually think is pretty nice looking. So I got brave and winked him back! Yikes, I can’t believe I did that! But it was kinda fun. So I figured I’d wait and see if I get any emails, even though I can’t read them or tell who they are from unless I pay, and when my weekend comes, I’ll start the free trial and then read the emails. See what it’s like. See if I like this whole idea of online dating. Get a feel for it, you know? See if the guy who I winked back at writes me. I figure he winked first so he should be the first to email. Either way, after the free trial I’ll try the 3-month subscription and give it a shot.
That was my plan, until…and I can’t believe I did this…I accidentally “favorited” the guy who winked at me who I winked back at. Crap! God, I can’t believe my bad luck. I was on my cell phone at work, logged onto the site, looking at “matches” and the photo of the guy I winked back at came up, so I thought I’d look at his profile again. I clicked on it, nothing. So I click again, not realizing my phone was just slow because of my work’s slow connection, and his profile finally comes up. But right where I clicked the second time was where his “Favorite” tab was, and yep, it now says that I’ve made him my favorite. Crap!
Next thing I know there’s a new email in my queue. But I can’t read it or tell who sent it until I pay for a subscription! I’m thinking it’s probably him. Ugh. Now he thinks I’m flirting with him. And what about those other 12 random guys I accidentally “Liked”? The system sends out an email telling you that so-and-so has “Liked” you. Grrr! So it’s probably because of that that I have all these likes and winks. I’m really missing the umbrella guy more and more. But I keep telling myself maybe he wasn’t single and was just being nice. I will never know.
By the way, a woman keeps popping up in my “matches” queue on the dating site. That’s weird. I’m not even going to click on her profile to find out why. I might accidentally send some kind of message.
Am I the only person in the world who Googles how to use a dating site? I feel so doofy doing that, but I can’t even call for customer service unless I pay first. I’m at a loss. Now I’m afraid to do anything on there. Who knows what I’ll end up causing.
So if the wink/favorite guy is the one who just emailed me after I accidentally favorited him, should I tell him it was an accident? I’m really not ready to go on a date. It even says that on my profile page. (I’m quite literal and very straight-forward). My plan was to just see if there is someone I like, email or chat with him, and see how it feels. See if I’m really interested. And of course then I’ll need time to get to know him. I mean, I wouldn’t just go meet someone not even knowing if I even think I might like him. But then, it does take actual face to face contact to really tell. Ugh. I’m so not ready for this. Where’s my umbrella?
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