CONFESSIONS OF A DIABETIC

I'm not sure who actually reads my blog. I know my kids don't. They haven't even read my book, just skimmed it looking for the parts where I mentioned them. I have something to confess because this was just so bad, and tonight I realized how bad it was. If anybody I know reads this, go ahead and let me know. It will be a good reminder of what not to do.

A couple days before Christmas a friend of mine stopped by to drop off a little plate of fudge. The kids left Christmas Eve to spend the night with their dad for an early Christmas morning flight to Florida for a week. That fudge was just too tempting. She had cut it into very small squares and I figured it would be ok to enjoy a little each night, but I admit I knew that I shouldn't be enjoying such a sweet treat. After a few days I realized there were only three pieces left, and what if the kids wanted some when they got back? Maybe they wouldn't have remembered, or maybe they wouldn't have cared. But I decided to replace it. I'd just make up my own batch, cut them into little squares and fill the little plate again.

I scoured the Internet for fudge recipes. Do you know how many different recipes for fudge there are? I had no idea what ingredients my friend put into hers. I'm not a baker so baking ingredients, amounts, and what can be substituted for what go way over my head. I picked out an easy-looking one, and actually I think it was called Easy Fudge. Milk chocolate chips, butter, condensed milk, and walnuts. I was impressed it even set up. But it didn't taste like fudge at all. Tasted like a chocolate bar. And the consistency was a little weird. If they sat out on the counter too long they began to melt. So I perused the Internet once again. I found one that seemed a bit more reasonable. Powdered sugar, cocoa, milk, vanilla, and nuts. It's been in my fridge for two days and it's still runny. Tastes ok, but you have to eat it with a spoon.

Ok, so I had to call my friend. I complimented her on the fudge and asked if I could have the recipe. "Oh sure, I bet your kids loved it huh. It's not for you though. Way too much sugar in it. I hope you didn't eat any."

"Yep," I lied.

She told me she wasn't sure what went into it without looking at the recipe. It was her mom's, she said. "Mom has this exact way she does it and you have to really follow the directions." She gave me explicit instructions such as how to heat it slowly, stir constantly, etc. "You don't want to scorch it and you don't want it to come out grainy." The next day she emailed me the recipe. I'm not sure what grainy means when you have 6 cups of sugar in there already.

My God, she wasn't kidding, it was sweet. I shouldn't have been eating this stuff! I couldn't believe how much sugar this recipe called for. I followed the instructions to a T. It actually took an hour and a half! I had no idea it took sugar, butter, and mlik so long to boil. And I thought I was never going to get all that marshmellow cream stuff out of the jar. They really need to invent an easier way to do that.

Well, it turned out great but I don't think I'm ever going to make fudge again. That was way too much work. I honestly have more fun mowing the lawn. No wonder I hate baking. It's so much work! All that stirring and scraping, and then everything is sticky, ugh! I found marshmellow cream on my cupboard door, the stove handle, and places I didn't even go near. It's fun making a pot of chili, and way less messy. Fudge is just unfun.

So the fudge is cooling in the fridge, and the kids don't get home until tomorrow afternoon. I should be able to get it cut into those tiny little squares and refill the little decorative Christmas plate my friend brought over. I'll just tell the kids I wanted to make more, which wouldn't be a lie. But this is definitely the last time I make fudge, and the last time I eat it! After seeing what all goes into it, I can't with a good conscience allow myself to indulge in that stuff ever again.

By the way, her mom's secret recipe? It's right on the back of the marshmallow cream jar. Same as the back of the evaporated milk can too. Only difference was she had doubled it. Thanks to my thinking I could get away with eating some fudge and then simply replacing it, I now have three pounds of it to get rid of. If my kids don't want it, I'll have to just bring it to work or something, but I'm not touching that stuff again.

Oh, and my mom did that to me once too. All my growing up years I raved about her potato salad, how it was the best I'd ever tasted. She always smiled and said thank you, appreciating all the compliments. When I got married I told my husband how good my mom's potato salad was and that he just HAD to try it. Finally one day after I don't know how many years of being married, I begged Mom for her home made potato salad recipe. I told her she might as well teach me how to make it while she was still alive. No need to take the secret to her grave! She was surprised that I thought she'd been holding out on me til the day she died or something. She said, "Well it's just on the back of the Kraft Mayonnaise jar."

CHRISTMAS, A PSYCHIC FEELING, AND FLOWERS IN HEAVEN

I took a couple extra days off work this week to spend with my kids since they're out of school for winter break. I decided to let the kids have their Christmas presents on the 20th so they could enjoy them during the days leading up to the actual holiday because their dad would be flying with them Christmas morning to Florida for a week.

We had a good week of snacking, TV watching, game playing, and general lazing about...We're now on Season 4 of our Bones DVD marathon. Had prime rib. Started Settlers of Catan, Traders and Barbarians, and realized halfway through the game we weren't playing it right so we left it out on the kitchen table for another chance to get our heads on straight about it. It's still there. Had chicken and dumplings. Realized it would take longer than one evening to learn how to juggle; Abby gave up entirely. Had spinach and artichoke parmesan dip. Saw Indiana Jones and The Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time and discovered I do better with movies that have more dialogue than action but will give the other three a try anyway. Ate hummus. Loved the huge rose quartz crystal rock lamp my kids bought me. Had DiGiorno's. Painfully found out that the 27 dollar "Shock Ball" game my daughter wanted so badly isn't going to be played with because my children, after seeing my already nerve-damaged hands take the first zap and hearing the bad words that unintentionally came out of my mouth, are now too afraid to touch the darn thing. Watched Limitless, loved it. Had home-made enchiladas. Video-taped the three of us trying to get a Slinky to work; ironically none of us could. Finally figured out how to play Simon Flash. Had more Grapples; after trying these, I will never go back to regular apples again. Stuck a ruler in the still-falling snow, 10 inches already. Munched on peanut M&Ms. Realized we don't know the first thing about playing poker, but David thinks the professional-style poker chips are really cool anyway. Made a McDonald's run and came home with an extra unpaid-for Big Mac; finally an error in our favor! And we got my son's game room cleaned up and organized. No, this wasn't all in one day. Four days. I just appreciate the little things that make me happy. I really do.

I had to return to work Christmas Eve. Hadn't been there all week, so I missed out on the catered Mexican buffet, the box of See's Famous Old Time Candies, and the box of Nancy Adams Assorted Chocolate Pretzels. Don't get the free chair-massage either. Oh well. I had fun with my kids.

Something was sticking out of my desk drawer. It was a note, folded and stapled. I assumed it was a thank-you note from my co-worker for the comfy slippers Christmas gift I left for her before I left work Monday afternoon. I figured she hadn't gotten me anything and wrote a nice note instead, which was fine since she usually gives me any of her extra diabetic supplies she doesn't use. Like test strips...a real commodity to me. But when I glanced at the note wedged into the crease of the drawer, I suddenly got the feeling of "cash". It wasn't something I heard or saw in my mind. It was just a feeling. The feeling of cash. I thought to myself, now why would she have put cash in that note? That would be unusual and completely unnecessary. I wouldn’t even want my co-worker giving me cash for Christmas. That’s just weird. I want money just like everybody else, but I don’t want someone just giving it to me.

I recalled that on my walk into the building that morning I was reminded of a psychic experience this summer where my guidance directed me to quickly look up at a woman’s baby and at that very moment I saw the woman drop something from her purse. By the time I reached the spot where it fell, the woman was far away, enough so that if I had wanted to keep it I could have, except that it wasn’t the right thing to do. It was a hundred dollar bill, and I wouldn’t have kept it. I knew my Guidance directed me to it for the woman’s sake, not mine. But on the way into work as I remembered that experience, I wondered why I never have psychic guidance toward money. That would be exciting, but I’d only want it if it were truly meant for me. I wouldn’t want someone to lose it in order for me to gain it. I know, too, that my psychic Guidance isn't a frivolous thing.

Well, “cash” must have been on my mind for a reason, and maybe only because I’d been sort of worrying about it lately and been a little broke this Christmas. There’s no way there’s cash in there. That’s just too weird, and I’d feel weird accepting it even if there was. I turned on my computer, logged in, opened up all my applications, and made the coffee. Finally I pulled the note from its hiding spot. I couldn't get it opened without it tearing a little where the staples were. In it was a 20-dollar bill. Her note began “Merry Christmas” and said that instead of buying flowers for her sister in Heaven, she would rather the money go to me.

What a generous gift, and it didn’t feel weird to accept it because I was so touched by her sentiment. Cash for that reason was different, and humbled me a bit. In return, I sat and closed my eyes, imagining a beautiful bouquet being delivered to her sister, wherever she was, imagining her receiving them as a thank-you from me for my being the recipient of a beautiful gesture in her honor.

And then I thanked my Guidance for reminding me to trust. I didn’t need a hundred dollar bill. Twenty was enough of a little nudge to remind me that by trusting my feelings, I’ll always be in the right place at the right time for the really important things in life.

GHOSTS AND SPIRITS

I've been so busy lately...wanted to get another excerpt out there before too long, so here you go. This is one of my favorite parts.


Because I've had so many experiences perceiving nonphysically which have gotten excellent verification that my perception was real, it makes me all the more confident in trusting other experiences where I'm not so fortunate in having any kind of verification at all. It's just not always possible to have physical-world verified proof that an experience is real, like when Bruce nonphysically visited me in my car, telling me he was at the spiritual Meetup helping give me confidence. To me, no proof was necessary. If I am lucky enough to have Bruce's spirit visit me in that way after his death, imagine how happy I'll be. I'll be happy enough to continue living out the rest of my life knowing we survive after death and that our loved ones are never really gone.

Similar to sensing energy of the living is how we can also perceive visitations from someone deceased. I've been visited a handful of times by my dad after his death. One visit in particular was later verified by Bruce in an interesting way. Something neither of us was expecting, but it gave us both doubtless belief that Dad's spirit had indeed paid a visit.

Because of my spiritual beliefs about life, death, and the afterlife, I was able to handle my dad's death much better than I had previously believed I would. Although it was of course sad not to have my dad around, and sad for my mom to be lonely missing him so much, I knew that Dad was ok. The only thing that changed was that Dad was no longer physically living. And I guess it's because of this good attitude toward Dad's death that I don't always feel that he's actually gone. It's not until I think about it that I realize he is dead. It's been over a year since his death and I periodically will think, "Oh I need to call Dad and ask him about this." Or,"I can't wait to tell my dad" something. Or being disappointed at arriving at mom's to visit and realize that Dad isn't there. I can't believe I still forget that he's dead.

But on the other hand, I've had several visits from him since his death, so that's another reason I've been handling his death so well. You know it's funny....when he died, I expected----and wanted----to have the kind of visits from Dad that you'd expect of a typical ghostly presence. Nothing spooky, but just maybe having something move to get my attention, or seeing an apparition. The only thing I had that even came close to that kind of visit was one day while sitting in my bedroom thinking about Dad, a notebook fell off my shelf. I'd asked Dad to give me a sign, and I guess this was his way of doing it. I wasn't impressed and actually said, "Come on. Dad, if that's you, can't you do something more impressive than making the notebook fall?" It had fallen with a loud whop onto the floor, and landed a little farther away than what one would have expected. It definitely seemed like a deliberate sign. When I told Bruce about the incident he said, "Let me get this straight. You ask for a sign, you get one, and then you complain about it?" I laughed. It's not that I wasn't excited. I just wasn't impressed. I realized that those kinds of signs weren't what I really needed---or wanted---anymore.

Both my mom and brother, however, have had remarkable experiences. Mom once saw my dad's presence as a mist walking through the kitchen. She immediately thought of my dad and she thought, "Jack, is that you?" On another occasion she was watching television, changing the channel to something she doesn't normally watch but was something my dad would have watched, Cats 101. She doesn't know why she left it there but she decided to sit and watch anyway. Suddenly, she heard my dad laughing....physically out loud, she heard his voice. It made her turn quickly toward the sound of it, almost expecting to see him sitting there. She’s also felt his hand touch her shoulder.

My brother's experience was similar to mom's mist experience. Why I haven't seen something like that, I'm not sure. But I have had several visits from my dad, both during out-of-body experiences and while physically awake.

One such experience, while physically awake, happened while I was standing in the kitchen at the stove, making a sandwich. Suddenly, I felt my dad's presence as if he’d just walked into the room. Instinctively I lifted my head and looked forward, although I wasn't looking through my physical eyes but my mind's eye. I could see my dad, and felt him, behind me and slightly to my right. He came up around my right side and moved into the space right in front of me, so that Dad and I were right in front of each other, despite the fact that physically in front of me was the stove. At this point I had learned enough to know not to brush it off or debunk the experience, so I just went along with what I was feeling and perceiving. In my mind I said, "Hi Dad!" I went with the notion of just treating this experience the same way you'd treat a phone call that you weren't expecting. The phone rings, you answer it, and begin talking to whomever's there. I treated this visit like a phone call. In my mind I began telling Dad of the events of the week, sharing with him what I'd been feeling or going through. And in my mind Dad was there to listen, comfort me, and give some advice. I didn't have a real word-for-word response from him but just a feeling in general of what he wanted to say and convey to me. I enjoyed it and allowed myself to believe it was a real experience.

It wasn't until a few days later when I relayed the experience to Bruce over the phone that I got verification that it was a real experience. I told Bruce, "Hey, guess what! I had a visit from my dad!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" Bruce asked.

"Well, I was in the kitchen making a sandwich, when I felt my dad's presence come into the room. I was so excited and just went with it, didn't question it or talk myself out of it, you know? I just acted as if he was really there, and I just talked to him like it was real even though I didn't really hear or know what he was saying to me. I just felt him there and imagined what he was saying. I wish I had something to really verify it was real, but I just went along with it as if it was. I think that's a big step for me."

Bruce went quiet for a few moments, as he does sometimes. He is so gifted at shifting his focus of awareness that when he does that it makes me feel like he's put the phone down and left the room. Finally Bruce casually said, "So when you were having this experience, were you standing up, like facing the counter top?"

I wasn't sure why Bruce was asking me that in the middle of my story, but I said, "Yeah, sort of. I was actually standing at the stove."

"Oh, ok," he said. Then he got quiet again. I expected him to be expressing happiness and encouragement about my experience and the way that I handled it, my old way being that I would have brushed it off before allowing myself to accept it. But I was used to Bruce being silent on the other end of the phone while he's nonphysically sensing something, so I waited patiently.

Finally he said, "So when you felt your dad's presence come into the kitchen, did you kind of feel him come up behind you and sort of move to your right, and then come around to stand right in front of you?" When Bruce said that, I was the one who suddenly got quiet on the phone.

"Yeah, that's exactly what happened. How did you know that?" I knew that I hadn't yet explained those details to Bruce.

In his smug way he said, "You're not the only one your dad visits, you know."

Still not up to speed of what Bruce was talking about, I asked, "What do you mean?"

He said, "Well while you began telling me about your experience, I suddenly got a vision in my mind seeing you standing in the kitchen. At first I thought I was just envisioning your story while listening to you, but then I realized that I was actually given this vision from your dad. When you stated that you weren't sure if this was a real experience or not, that's when my vision started and I felt your dad's presence with me. In the vision, your dad was showing me that he approached from behind you, came up on your right, and then stood right in front of you. He did that to make sure he'd get your attention because your experience of it would conflict with your physical surroundings. And the reason he showed me the vision of how he appeared to you was so that I could describe it to you to give you verification that this experience was real. See, you're not the only one your dad visits."

I could feel Bruce beaming his smug smile through the phone. Finally I managed to say oh my God and how I wasn't expecting this. I was stunned. "Bruce, that's amazing. You mean just now when I began to tell my experience, my dad was right there with you giving you the vision of it?"

"Yep. I thought it was a clever way for him to give you verification that what you experienced was real. He's here with us in this conversation because you were going to tell me about it. It was his way of giving you something to make you feel it was a real visit from him," Bruce said.

"Wow. I thought just realizing I was feeling his presence was amazing enough. I mean, I knew it was a big step for me in accepting this type of experience as real, but I didn't expect you to get a visit from Dad to verify my experience. That's so cool!" I was just so excited and pleased about this.

This is one of the things that makes my friendship with Bruce so special. He's always surprising me!

OLD HABITS DIE HARD

An excerpt from my new book, The Psychic Development Project, by Vicky M. Short.


The other day I had a spontaneous thought come into my mind that my ex-husband and his new wife were getting a puppy. Now, you'd think by now that I would have learned what a psychic thought feels like. After all, at the time I got this information I knew it wasn't a logical, rational thought; I knew it was based on intuition. And I knew I wasn't interested in what they do, nor was I thinking, feeling, or doing anything associated with them. You'd think this thought would have stood out, and it did. But old habits die hard.

The moment I received the psychic knowing feeling and thought about the puppy, the first thing I did was go down the road of making associated thoughts based on my reaction to what I was receiving. Yes, I shifted gears from Receiving Mode to Reacting Mode in the blink of an eye, and I hadn't even noticed! Literally, one moment I was cognizant of the fact that I was receiving psychic information, and the next moment I was letting my thoughts run away with my reactions.

They had Daisy, our dog from our marriage, and the other dog was his wife's. So I worried that by now having three dogs, they would consider getting rid of Daisy since she's older. She's an 11-year-old border collie/blue heeler and isn't a pack dog. I began worrying what would happen to her if they did give her away. I was so consumed with my associated reactions that I completely forgot that I had just received actual psychic information about something else which started this chain reaction. My reactions over-rode what was real and made my thinking go off course from receiving more real information about the puppy. Had I remained in the area of consciousness of receiving, rather than shift over to reacting, I may have received more information. I could have asked myself, "What else about that?", keeping my focus of awareness interested in that place.

I left for work that morning not worrying more about it and figured when the kids came home from my ex-husband's that evening they'd surely tell me about the puppy. At 6:25 p.m. I received a text message from my son David, "We got a new dog!" I was instantly reminded of my psychic feeling from that morning. I had to know, and texted back asking if they were going to keep Daisy as well, as I worried about her getting the boot to make way for the puppy. David replied that that didn't happen and that he didn't think it would. I was relieved.

Differentiating Receiving thoughts from Reaction ones is going to be a toughy, but this experience is yet again another great reminder of that. The most glaring key point here is the fact that I know for certain that when the psychic thought entered my mind, I wasn't thinking, feeling, or doing anything associated to my ex-husband and his wife. I wasn't thinking about Daisy or dogs in general. So for this thought to have come into my mind then, it truly was a random experience, save for the fact that I've recently been doing deep meditative work at bringing more psychic experiences into my awareness for the sake of my psychic development project. This experience was, no doubt, another opportunity for me to learn my skills better. Just like the school shooting incident where my thoughts quickly ran away with my reactions, this experience was a good demonstration of how the mind operates. I'm going to make it a point to pay attention to my thoughts throughout the day, taking notice of what I'm thinking, feeling, or doing in accordance with how my thoughts shift from one thing to another. If I find any trace of incongruity, it'll be interesting to try and backtrack my thinking to notice where I shifted over into a trail of associated thoughts that weren't based on what I know to be real information. I think it will be simple enough to ask myself, "Is this thought based on something I worry about or fear, or does it have any reality basis in my life at the moment?"

NONPHYSICAL PERCEPTION

On a TV show on the biography channel called "The Unexplained", they were showing accounts of haunted houses that families lived in and really believe they're haunted. Of course they had to also show scientists who were giving their professional opinions as to why these houses could not possibly be haunted because such things don't really exist. From what I now know of my OWN experiences and what I've come to believe from all my years of studying, these people who claim to scientifically disprove ghosts and the afterlife clearly haven't had their own direct experience with any such event. Yet they claim to be experts based on science that isn't capable of proving the paranormal real.

I believe in and trust science just as much as the next person, but what we're talking about here requires a different type of logic, evidence, and proof.

For instance, one of the stories that was really intriguing was that a man committed suicide in a house and was haunting the new owners. A man was called in to investigate, who was sensitive to feeling, sensing, and communicating with spirits. He was able to locate the deceased spirit and convince him that crossing over into the afterlife was where he needed to be and that he needn't fear judgement for his sins during his physical life. It took some patience and persistence but the man decided to cross over. The medium and the husband and wife owners of the house all witnessed a brilliant blue light of energy at this moment that they couldn't explain by physical-world means. They were video recording the entire event, but upon reviewing the tape they found that the blue energy light was not on the recording. The medium believed that it wasn't meant to be for all to see, that that magnificent event was only meant to be for the 3 people who saw it first-hand. I tend to agree with him, but only a little bit.

Now, the professional scientist skeptics said that the three people in attendance had all created this event from their imaginations, which is why the blue energy did not appear on film. I agree with him a little bit too, except for the fact that he doesn't believe ghosts and such experiences to be real.

But here's what I know. Taking into account that this is a true story, I believe that what those people saw was real and that they did see it with their imaginations. That is to say, the way they perceived it wasn't the same way we perceive a physical event. What they witnessed was a nonphysical experience, not a physical one, and they perceived it nonphysically. This is my explanation as to why it didn't appear on the video. Not everything that is real has to be physically real. There is such a thing as nonphysical perception. Even with all my experience, it's taken me a long time to wrap my head around this concept, but it's true. It's not a cop-out answer for being unable to gather and provide physical-world proof to those folks who say that "if you can't show and prove it to me, then it isn't real."

To those folks I say that they haven't themselves had nor been aware of having an experience of perceiving nonphysically. If they did, and if they allowed it into their awareness, and if from that experience they were able to gather and verify some piece of information that they could not have any other "normal" physical-sense means of perceiving, then they would begin to have an idea of the concept of nonphysical perception. And I would like to challenge them to finding a way to prove it in the same way we prove physical-world events through physical sense means. I bet they'd have a hard time choosing between their scientific beliefs and what they just experienced first-hand that they cannot possibly prove through their scientific measurements. Just because a scientific piece of equipment couldn't capture and record something, doesn't mean it didn't happen or wasn't real. And even if it did capture it, it's still not enough proof to me of what's real. I need to have my own first-hand experiences before I decide what to believe.

It simply just gets to the point where you have to make a choice. The skeptics who want to believe that science has limitations and boundaries that don't include the paranormal will likely never have their own direct experience with it. The rest of us who have know that the means and methods that they require as proof isn't going to do enough to prove it to them. They will always have some logical explanation to discount what they themselves have not yet experienced.

When my son asked me, "Well if you can perceive nonphysically through using your imagination, then doesn't that mean it's not real?" And I challenged him to a thought experiment. I asked him to use his mind to imagine what his best friend looks like. He did, and I asked if that was a real image or not. He thought it was both real and not real, and I said that was right. I told him that his mind can imagine both. Then I asked him what would it mean to him if he suddenly imagined in his mind seeing his friend falling off the roof and breaking his leg. And then to prove it he called his friend and asked what just happened. If that friend said, "I just fell off the roof and broke my leg!", would that information be real or not? He said it would be real.

My point was to show him that if there's any possible way to experience information that is true or real in any way, through perception that is anything other than your physical senses of perception, even if you couldn't prove it, would you believe that that was a genuine and reliable way to perceive? If you experienced it enough times giving you enough of your own proof, yes you would. Even if you couldn't prove it to anyone else.

This is what my own psychic development project and spiritual journey are about, trying to discover enough about my own nonphysical senses of perception in order to come to conclusions about how it works and what I can learn about it.

A VISIT WITH MY DAD FROM THE AFTERLIFE

My dad visited me in a dream a couple days ago. And I think the way in which he made his presence known to me would be useful for other dreamers to know, since I could have easily not consciously recognized my dad. By "consciously", I mean with the same conscious awareness as I have when I'm consciously awake and aware of my surroundings.

I haven't had an experience with my dad since his death in a long while! I had awoken early, was up for a few minutes, and decided to go back to bed and sleep in. It was a good opportunity to try for an OBE. I used one of my techniques where I notice myself falling closer into sleep and then actively imagine myself getting out of bed and walking out of my bedroom and through each room of my house.

This experience started as a regular dream in which I was visiting Bruce and his wife at their house in Florida. It was like reliving my real vacation there from last year. In that real visit, and in my dream, Bruce wanted some time alone to work in his office and I had wanted to spend time with him. I had no choice but to wait until he was finished. In the real experience, in the meantime his wife Pharon asked me if I wanted to do a puzzle with her to pass the time. We did and I enjoyed that time with her.

However, in my dream of reliving this memory, I was stuck in a state of just waiting for Bruce. The dream didn't continue on to include the part about the puzzle. Literally, all I was doing was waiting for Bruce. I didn't realize that I was dreaming until what happened next.

Suddenly I found myself getting out of bed in my own house. I had no memory of what had just been happening moments earlier. I walked out of my bedroom, out to the hallway (like I had done earlier to initiate an OBE, but at this point I hadn't yet realized I was out of body), and I stood at the top of the stairs looking down just before walking down the stairs. I had heard that someone had just walked into my house and I wanted to see who it was. I was still in the same state of waiting for Bruce, and so that was my expectation. But it wasn't Bruce. Instead, there at the bottom of the stairs, stood my dad. He said, "I'm sorry that I've been so busy in my office. To pass the time, why don't you do a puzzle with your mom." (My dad was playing into my "waiting for Bruce" frame of mind in order to get my attention).

But I was confused. I didn't understand why Dad said that. For a few seconds I just looked at Dad without saying anything. I was trying to make sense out of what he just said. And then it dawned on me. "Just a few moments ago I was at Bruce's house, waiting for him to be finished working in his office. That was when his wife asked me if I wanted to do the puzzle with her to pass the time! But now I'm suddenly at home, and my dad is standing right here in front of me! I had been waiting for Bruce, not Dad, but Dad is here. I had done the puzzle with Pharon, not mom, but my dad is right here mentioning the puzzle. The time I spent with Bruce and his wife was last year, not now. My dad is dead but he's standing right here." At that moment I consciously made the choice to "no longer be waiting for Bruce to come out of his office" because my deceased father was standing right in front of me and I wanted to know more about this. It was becoming apparent to me that waiting for Bruce at his house was becoming less and less real, while seeing my dad standing right in front of me more and more real. So I chose to focus my attention here with Dad instead of continuing to focus on my previous surroundings. I was slowly finally understanding what was really going on. I consciously thought to myself, "That was a dream. But this is real."

It had taken a lot of patience for me to do all that processing, while standing at the top of the stairs looking at my dad. But when this realization hit me, everything became clear. Colors brightened, everything was very vivid. I was consciously aware that just a few moments ago I was dreaming. I was at this point very lucid, having a lucid dream. But it was more than just a dream. I checked again by thinking to myself, "I suddenly went from being at Bruce's house to being home. My dad knew about me waiting and about the puzzle. I know my dad is dead but he is right here. I know this isn't physical reality. And I know I had just been dreaming. Could this too also be just a dream?" I stood there, still processing all of this, while still looking down at my dad. He hadn't moved or changed, but only looked at me, smiling.

I don't know how long I stood there at the top of the stairs processing it all, but as I stood there looking at my dad, he smiled patiently. I suddenly noticed how young and healthy he looked, and it made me remember the other times that he's visited me since his death. Now he looked younger and healthier than he had ever looked in those other experiences. When he spoke before, about the puzzle, he had moved his lips. But now in this more vivid and lucid experience, Dad talked to me through his thoughts.

"Hi Vicky, I'm here to see you," he said. When he said that to me I thought, "Yes, it's a dream, a dream scene, not physical reality, but that's really my dad. I must be having an out-of-body experience." The interpreter overlay was gone. No more need for my dad's spirit to find a way to play a part in the dream reality that I had momentarily been focused in when I was "waiting for Bruce" and his wife was about to ask me to do the puzzle to pass the time. Now that I was consciously aware and had made the choice to turn my focus toward my dad rather than toward the dream reality, everything was so much more clear. I thought, "Oh my God, that's my dad. He's really here!"

I stood there in awe, so happy to see my dad. So happy to consciously realize what was happening. "My dad is here," I thought to myself. "He's really here!" That little girl part of me just wanted my daddy so much. He stood there patiently smiling up at me, allowing me to take it all in.

My emotions overtook me at that moment and I hurried down the stairs and wrapped my arms around my dad's neck, hugged him tight. I remember thinking and feeling that I was so happy to see my dad, so happy that he had come to see me, and so happy to see him so healthy looking. That's all I could think and feel at that moment, just surprise and joy at seeing my dad again.

And then suddenly I awoke.

The realness and vividness of this experience, along with my very clear and lucid conscious awareness proved to me that this visit from my dad was real. No doubt about it in my mind. He had found a way to become part of my reality in order to allow me to really notice consciously that he was really there. He took the opportunity of me being in a state of "waiting for Bruce to come out of his office" as a means to make his way into my awareness in a way that I would notice him consciously.

That one little window of opportunity could have been missed by me, if I hadn't consciously paid attention to the "flaw" in my current reality. Once I was consciously aware of the flaws and incongruities in that reality that didn't make sense, I was able to let go of it and see what was real right before me. I was able to make the conscious choice of where I wanted to focus my attention at that moment. This is the way in which I learned to lucid dream...to notice incongruities within the dream reality.

Just having those few moments of feeling, seeing, and remembering my dad's spirit was such a surprise and such a gift. It didn't matter that the dream/OBE surroundings weren't real physical things. All that was important to me at that moment was what I was feeling.

That's another point that I want to make...an experience doesn't have to be physically real in order to be a real experience. I read so many accounts of dreams from people who say that when they saw their deceased loved one, they told themselves it can't be real. I hope my experience with my dad shows that all that dream stuff is just overlaying the real information. It's such a loss when someone interprets their experience as not real, rather than seeing it for what it truly is. I know that when you can cut away the interpreter overlay layer, you can see what's really there by what you feel. I believe that when we can "be" in our true feelings and emotions, we're most connected to our true spirit, despite the framework we see around us. So often we define reality by what we experience externally rather than by what we feel internally. In my experience with Dad, I was able to consciously shed all that "dream stuff" overlaying what was real. Choosing that focus over everything else gave me such a special moment with my dad again.

I CAN'T PLAY TODAY

Several years ago when I was still married, Josh, the little 5-year-old neighbor boy, would periodically come by the house and ring the bell. He always said the oddest thing, but then again he was only 5. The first time it happened I never questioned it or gave it much thought. Josh rang the bell and when I answered it he told me, "Hi Vicky! I just wanted to tell you that I can't play today." It caught me off guard and I assumed he meant to say that he came by to tell me he could play today. I checked, "Oh, do you mean you can play?"

"Nope, I can't play today. We have to go to the store," Josh said, with his usual smile from ear to ear. He was always such a happy kid, but for the life of me it made no sense why a kid would be happy that he couldn't play. And why was he telling me this?

I just told him "ok", and off he went, happy as a clam. I had no idea what this was all about, but I quickly forget about it. Until the next time Josh rang the bell.

The second time he came by, I thought I'd pre-empt him by opening the door and immediately saying, "The kids aren't home right now," since I assumed he was here for them. On this occasion he said, "I didn't come for David and Abby. I came to see you." This too caught me off guard. My attempt to quickly get rid of him (not that he was a bad kid, but he was a kid and I was a grown up and being a grown up meant I was busy and had things to do) had failed, but I thought he was only telling me he was here to see me since I had already told him that the kids were not home.

"Oh you did? What's up?" I replied.

"I can't play today," Josh said.

This scenario, in one form or another, happened at least once a week. There were times when my kids played with him, so there was nothing unusual there. The only unusual thing was when Josh would inform me that he couldn't play on a particular day. After this became our usual thing, I got the notion that Josh was specifically telling me that he couldn't play, and it wasn't so that I'd inform the kids. He never wanted the kids, only me. Me. Again, I'm a grown up. Why this 5-year-old who I didn't know wanted to inform me that he wasn't available for me to play with, I had no idea. I once asked his older sister why he did this and she just laughed and said she had no idea. "He's just weird I guess," she'd said.

An affinity for Josh grew, and I became so curious about why he acted as if he and I had some kind of connection. He was a cute kid. Never caused any trouble. And he was always just so darn happy to see me, even on the days when he said he couldn't play. And he wasn't making it up either. His mom would be waiting in the car while Josh ran over to inform me he couldn't play because they had to run errands that day. I always wondered what his mother thought!

I decided to set an intention to find out what connection Josh and I had, or at least get some insight as to what this was all about. My intention was pure and simple, "Is there something about Josh that I'm not aware of, something we do together nonphysically maybe, or something he perceives of me that I don't know about?" I set my intention before bed, hoping the answer would come to me somehow. I'd had a lot of experience having OBEs this way, by setting an intention before bed.

This one worked like a charm. I found myself in the most exhausting OBE I've ever had. In it, Josh and I were playing in a gigantic indoor playground. It was the size of a warehouse and had tall, winding staircases that went up a couple stories or more. There were kids running, laughing, having a good time. There were games, food, candy, and lots of things to do and look at. It was like a cross between an amusement park and a playground and there was so much to do you couldn't have done it all in one day. Josh was in the lead, "Come on! Let's go this way!" I obediently followed Josh, running to catch up to him, trying to catch my breath at the same time. We played and ran, and ran and played. We were nonstop having fun, chasing each other and eating and playing. It sure was a neat place.

At some point a sense of familiarity came over me and I'd realized I'd been here before many times. I stopped, pondering that thought, as if it were the first time I had thought about it. Then as if coming out of a state of amnesia, it hit me. I remembered my intent to have an OBE to find out what this thing with Josh was all about. I stood there amidst the noise, chaos and kid-fun. Up until then I had played with Josh, almost mindlessly, not paying attention to anything but the moment. But as I stood there remembering, realizing with full awareness that this wasn't physical reality, I suddenly felt exhausted. This was a nonphysical place, not physically real, but this is what Josh and I did together (for some reason) on occasion. And those days when Josh would come by the house to tell me that he couldn't play today, this is what he was talking about. In little Josh's mind this place was real. And he and I played together here.

I awoke completely worn out, totally exhausted from that experience. I thought to myself, "I never felt this way before, or maybe I have and just thought I'd had a bad night's sleep or something. But now that I am aware of all that nonphysical activity, I'm also aware of how exhausted I feel. Maybe if I hadn't set intent to know, I wouldn't feel this way right now." My grown-up body wasn't used to all that kid-fun stuff, as neat as it was.

Josh probably woke up remembering these experiences, and I'm sure when he did he wanted to get right back at it. But sometimes he had to do other things, like get in the car and go somewhere. These were the times when Josh would happily come over to let me know he couldn't do it today. I guess he didn't want to disappoint me!

What was going on with Josh, I assumed, was that he probably didn't have memory of this experience all the time, but when he did it was so real to him that he had no way of knowing it wasn't physical reality. He probably had many occasions when he either didn't remember the OBE, or he did but he patiently assumed it would just happen again. Then, when his mom or dad disrupted him from whatever activity was consuming his attention at the moment, that's when Josh would suddenly realize that he was going to be busy, and that his waiting for our play time to "just happen" again would be put on hold. That's when he'd come tell me he couldn't play.

It made sense. I mean, it made as much sense as it could. When you're a 5-year-old, the boundaries between physical and nonphysical reality are easily blurred and constantly overlapping. Young children don't pay attention to the proper order of sequence of how and when things happen. Their attention span is too much in-the-moment to be bothered with boring details.

And although it was amazing to have the OBE that I had so that I could make some sense of Josh's pre-occupation with me, I never did find out why he and I nonphysically played together in the first place! Well, I'm a kid at heart and I love kids, so I'm not too surprised.