TRUST WHAT YOU FEEL

Two and a half years ago while getting my taxes done the third year in a row by the same tax preparer, she told me this would be her last year.  I remember noticing the palms of her hands had some kind of red rash that looked like the skin was missing a couple layers, and I wondered if some health issues related to that was the reason she was quitting.  She noticed me looking and she said, "It's a rash.  But don't worry, it's not contagious."  But that's not what I was thinking about when I saw her hands. 

What I was thinking was, she's on chemo.  She must have cancer.  I wonder what kind of cancer she has.  I knew better than to ask such a personal thing.  And too, I thought, maybe I'm wrong.  I didn't know anyone on chemo and had no idea if chemo actually caused that.  I remember thinking, I'll never know if I'm right or not. 

My skin reaction isn't as bad, but since being on chemo for my colon cancer and having the same peeling skin rash, I now know my intuition was correct two and a half years ago.  The message keeps coming to mind that I can trust my senses without second-guessing myself.  For the past few months, uncertainty about intuitive feelings regarding something dear and personal to me was recently cleared with validation.  And because of these two incidences it's really set in what trusting my intuition feels like.  Each time I look back on it I get the feeling of "trust what you feel."  It's as if, second-guessing for long periods of time before having validation really has a way of driving the lesson home.  I don't know if it makes more of an impact than instant verification, or if it's just the satisfaction of finally being validated. 

I’M BACK AND HERE’S WHAT’S GOING ON

Look how long it’s been since I’ve posted on my blog!  Almost 14 months!  I have a good excuse for my long absence though.  About nine and a half months ago I was diagnosed with colon cancer. Stage III with 3 positive lymph nodes.  The only reason I’m writing again is because I’ve slowly been getting back to my old self while dealing with the cancer treatment.  For a long time the cancer took over my mind.  Not the worry but just being busy with it, and being so tired mentally and physically.  But I’ve been getting back into all the things I love.  Chances are I’ll probably live many more years.  But the truth is none of us knows how long we’ll live.  This health scare changed my life for the better in so many ways.  One of them is that it has made me decide that everything I do, say, think, and feel should be an important, conscious choice.  No more putting things off, no more feeling sorry for myself, and no more wasting time.  Yes, I still play computer games and watch my favorite TV shows, and cry about being lonely, but I’m living in the moment instead of planning my future.  I don’t want to die with any regrets.  So I’m just happy to still be here, still enjoying the things I love doing, and I don’t want to waste any of my time worrying about anything.

I’ve even fallen in love with someone.  I never thought that would happen again, honestly.  I didn’t think it was possible for me to open my heart again.  And even though I can’t be with him (he’s with someone else) it just feels so wonderful to feel this way again, especially since I can tell he has feelings for me too.  Well, I don’t know exactly how he feels or what he’s thinking, but I can tell we’d be together if he were single.  And that’s enough to make me feel really good.

I don’t want to write too much about my cancer here.  I have another blog for that.  But, I should mention Rob.  I had a really good male friend (nothing romantic) who died from pelvic cancer. Well, he died from complications from his cancer treatment.  That was January 2012, so three and a half years ago.  I’ve missed him so much and miss him even more since I’ve been diagnosed with cancer.  I know I’ve felt him around me.  The feeling of Rob’s presence was really strong in the time around my colon surgery and through my recovery.  I felt as if his spirit was there helping me through it.  I loved the feeling, but it made me miss him even more.  It made me wish I had another great male friendship like I had with Rob.  Let’s face it, guy friends are great!  But when I started having feelings for the above-mentioned fellow (not Rob, remember, the other guy) I realized I want more than a friend.  I would love to have a relationship again!  I never, ever thought I’d want that, let alone have it.

I’ve been divorced and single for 7 years and my kids are in college now and both have jobs.  I’m ready for another relationship!   I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.  I just went through something huge…stage III cancer, radiation, chemo, surgery, more chemo, and soon to have one more surgery…all without having someone close to help me through it.  Ok, I have family and friends, but you know what I mean.  I mean that deep, close, personal love that only one person can be to you.  I want that again.  

Ok, enough about me whining that I’m still single and getting so lonely.  I’m just updating anyone who is reading what is going on in my life right now before I get back into my typical posts.  Typically I share my psychic and paranormal experiences, oh and sometimes some zany everyday experiences.  That kind of stuff.  Yep.  I’ll get back to doing that, promise.