My Near Death Experience

In 1998 a month before my 28th birthday, I was diagnosed with type 1, insulin-dependent diabetes. Learning to control and balance my blood sugar levels with injecting insulin, managing what I eat, and exercising has never been easy as every little change has an effect on either raising or lowering my levels.

One night in 2004 as I was going to bed, I had no idea that my blood sugar would be dropping dangerously low. It was around 10 pm that I went to bed. My kids were already sleeping in their rooms and my husband was out. I remember going to bed as usual, closing my eyes, and feeling sleep take over. The next thing I knew I floated out of my body. I was accustomed to having OBEs so at first I didn’t realize this was a near-death experience. I was instantly awake and I remember the feeling of leaving my body. My first thought was, “I’m having an out-of-body experience!!” The clarity of thoughts, emotions, and awareness was astounding and energizing. I felt amazing and so very excited.

I remember hovering supine over my physical body for several moments, reveling in how wonderful this feeling was to be out of my physical body. There were no other thoughts in my mind.

Then something caught my attention out of the corner of my eyes, just to my right and slightly above me. I turned and looked up at it. It was a beautiful bright light. It was truly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. I can’t imagine anything more perfect and beautiful. The first feeling I felt at seeing the light was how incredibly strongly I wanted to go toward it.

The light was coming into my bedroom as if through the ceiling, shining through a very bright circle of light. I had no other thoughts such as what it was, why this was happening, or how to reach that light. Just my desire of wanting it pulled me toward it. Even though I knew I was having an OBE and I was completely aware of my physical bedroom and my body below me, moving toward the light was all that mattered to me.

It was an effortless movement. I was now shooting toward the light, headfirst, arms at my side, feet below me, like a rocket. It felt like I was moving a million miles per hour. I remember thinking, “This is just like the tunnel that people who have died say they went through,” and still I had no thoughts about myself dying, no worries or wonderings about it. I was completely in the moment of my experience without thinking ahead or behind.

It really did have the appearance and feeling of being in a tunnel, which would have a 45-degree angle to it, not straight up, and I felt the feeling of walls encircling me. I couldn’t actually see any sides to the tunnel, but there was darkness around me, or perhaps the light above me was so bright that my surroundings appeared to be dark. But the light itself was always just above me at a 45-degree angle. And my head was tilted upward looking right at it. It didn’t hurt my eyes, and I never averted my gaze. I never took my eyes off the bright light, and all I could think was how much I wanted the light, how I couldn’t wait to get to the light. And happiness. I was feeling an extreme sense of happiness, joy, and excitement.

I also remember having no sense of time. I had no idea how long it was taking for me shooting through the tunnel up toward the light. It could have been 5 minutes, 5 years, or 5 hundred years. And to explain now why I think that was, I think it’s because while I was going through the tunnel I was completely only just in that moment. I think there simply was no such thing as time then, there, or in the light. Time didn’t matter or have any significance, as if it didn’t exist. I was in such a blissful state of being, that time had no meaning.

Then I was up at the top of the tunnel. I knew that where the tunnel had been was just to my right and below me, so that’s why I felt above it now. I don’t know if I was “in” the light but where I was didn’t appear that way, it just appeared normal. But then, coming toward me from my left was in intense bright light that defined itself into millions of rays of color as it came closer, stopping just next to me, and taking on the appearance of a close friend of mine who was as far as I knew still alive. His face came into view through the colored light rays, and he was smiling at me and giving me the highest, purest feeling of love. And then I noticed that I was radiating the same colored light rays of energy and love to him. I hadn’t noticed this was what I was made of until I saw it in my friend. His face looked like him but the rest of his “body” was energy made up of these beams of colors and light. I remember marveling at the beauty of it and wondering why we don’t have this many colors in the physical world.

We were communicating through thought energy, where our energy was transmitting the communication instantaneously, where hours and hours of conversation took place in moments, and I wouldn’t be able to put it into words. But one thing did stand out. He was giving me a gift. It manifested as a little tiny wrapped package that I was now holding in my hands. It was so pretty. When I looked at it in my hands my thoughts turned to thinking how pretty it was and that I couldn’t wait to open it to see what was inside. My friend lovingly laughed a little, saying that’s not the gift, this moment was the gift. His gift to me was him being here. He had heard I was here and he wanted to join me here. I didn’t really understand. I didn’t know how he knew I was here, or how he was able to be here too.

I looked out into the expansion that lay on the other side of the border on which my friend and I were standing. I was so happy here. I knew that I had been here before many times although I couldn’t remember any one particular time. It was just a feeling so familiar, like coming home. There was distinctly a border that I was standing on. The tunnel and where the light had been were to my right. My friend was to my left. Just behind me and below me was my bedroom and the physical world. The expansion before me was Everything Else. I knew that one step backward would put me back in the physical world and that one step forward would put me in the Everything Else. And I also knew that if I took that step forward it would mean not returning to my physical body, not finishing my life, and not raising my children. I remember thinking about that for a moment, and then deciding that I was ok with it. I knew that the passing of my children’s lives would only feel like about 5 minutes to me here, and then my kids would be with me. I knew without a doubt that I would see them again, that they would be here with me.

The Everything Else literally was everything. I knew that within it, that anything I could ever feel, or desire, or think of would be accessible to me there. I could do anything, see anyone, experience anything. I knew I had complete access and freedom there. I remember feeling extraordinarily happy just knowing that that expansion that lay before was all mine. It was all Me. And it went on forever. It was endless. It was the entirety of my being, and it was mine to have and to explore.

So my mind was made up. I decided to stay. Everything about this moment was so perfect. My friend greeting me here, his special gift to me, the beautiful colored rays of light and energy, and the feeling of pure unconditional love was so perfect. Knowing that I would be entering my Home with just one step was everything I wanted. I wanted nothing else but to enter my home.

My thought energy reply to my friend was, “I never want to leave.” And it was at that moment, as if I’d said something wrong, that I heard The Voice say, “Go back to the physical.”

What I call The Voice is an experience I had many times in my life of something that speaks to me like a real physical voice, giving me guidance and telling me things that I have no way of knowing. I had come to know it as one of the ways in which my psychic ability works in giving me guidance from my higher self. Here was The Voice now, here, in this place. I had no idea that anyone else was here with us until I heard it speaking.

When it spoke I was startled, and I turned to look. The sound of The Voice came from my right and slightly behind me, exactly where the entrance to the tunnel was. But I saw nothing. It’s always wonderful and incredible to hear The Voice but I was adamant that I was definitely not going back! I meant no disrespect to The Voice, who I’d always known and trusted as my Guidance, but I knew that this was my home and it just didn’t make any sense for me to go back. I felt I shouldn’t have to leave.

I turned back to my friend who was still looking at me, smiling, and beaming love energy at me. I remember thinking there was no way I was ever going to leave this place. I was here now, why go back? I had no intention of leaving. I was so happy at this moment that I couldn’t even imagine leaving.

I looked at my little gift still in my hands and I pressed it tightly to my chest. My friend gently said to me, “You can’t take it with you.”

The Voice said again, “Go back to the physical”. In that moment I realized that it wasn’t telling me what to do, it was telling me what was going to happen.

Suddenly I was being pulled backward so swiftly and with such force that there was nothing I could do to stop it. Going back wasn’t the same as being pulled toward the light. I wasn’t happy at all. I was trying to hold on to make myself stay there, to resist this force pulling me backward. All I could see was the colored light rays of my friend becoming narrower and smaller, and creating the same tunnel effect but this time the journey was nearly immediate. I felt myself thrust back into my physical body.

I was now lying in bed, still in the same supine position, lying on my back. My eyes were open. My bedroom was dark. There was no tunnel and no light. I couldn’t see my Home anymore. There was just the ceiling of my bedroom. I felt like I was going to cry, but I was so angry. I remember thinking, “That’s not fair! I didn’t want to come back! That was my home. My home. Why did you bring me there and let me see it but then make me come back? That’s not fair.” I lied there “trying” to make myself leave my body again but of course I couldn’t do it.

And then I realized my left arm was numb. I realized my blood sugar was low. I thought, “Was that what made me leave my body? Is that why they made me come back? I’ll just lie here then. I’m not going to get up and take care of my body. I’ll just lie here until I die again!” I remember feeling so angry that it was as if I were a child having a temper tantrum. But I knew it wasn’t going to work.

Why had I gone to that place? Was I meant to die? Was it an accident? Why was I sent back? Why didn’t I have a choice to stay?

When I did get out of bed and test, my blood sugar level was 63. It must have dropped low enough to give me this near-death experience but then must have come up enough again for me to still be alive. But is that what sent me back to my body? Or was it the being of The Voice that made me come back? And who is The Voice?

To this day of course I still have no idea why I wasn’t allowed to stay or why I was sent back. But as time went on from that experience I do remember feeling grateful for still being alive, still getting to be with my children. I eventually divorced my husband after having a traumatic and difficult marriage but life improved, and there have been many times where I’ve consciously given thanks for being sent back because I would have missed so much, not only so many life experiences but also so much of my own spiritual growth. I’m definitely happy that I came back.

And in thinking about it now, I’m also happy that I have full memory of my experience there. I really do believe that I have had several trips there but never not crossed the border. I can’t remember them. Maybe they were accidents, or maybe they were anomalies because I’ve had so many out-of-body experiences throughout my life. And because my friend (who to this day is still physically alive) was able to be there in spirit with me on that border, it also proves to me that I must have visited there before. We must be able to! Him coming there by choice, to greet me, as a gift to me…this is something so meaningful yet I’m sure I still don’t fully understand its implications. I did tell my friend about it but he had no memory of it. He believed me and he wished he could remember.

Part of me wishes I had all the answers but it’s also ok that I don’t, because knowing what I know now due to my NDE gives me so much comfort. All those questions I have are just curiosities.

What’s really important is that my Home is going to be there when I really do die and leave this physical place for good. And now I know that The Voice who has always guided me and given me advice about things I couldn’t possibly know is still there guiding me in the afterlife. Since this experience I’ve had many experiences of visits from loved ones who had died, so I know that we will always be connected with our loved ones. I imagine that if I had taken a step forward off the border that my deceased loved ones would have been there waiting for me. If it had really been my time to die they would have been there.

Because The Voice of my Guidance has always known what’s best for me, and because it told me, “Go back to the physical”, I know that I can feel comfort in trusting that that was what was best for me. Even though I’ve already made peace within myself about having been forced to come back, it’s still so very comforting to know and realize that my Guidance knows what’s best for me and is always looking out for me, even when I don’t know it’s there.

I will never forget how incredibly surprised I was that it was there. I had no knowledge it was there, not until it spoke and wanted me to know its presence. That must mean that my Guidance is always here with me, even when I can’t perceive it! I think that is one of the most reassuring and amazing things about this experience. We really are never alone!